I'll never forget the first time I had to apologize to one of my kids. My oldest was four years old, and I was watching her while my wife was at work. I remember that we were getting ready to go somewhere, and I was busy preparing everything. When I went into her room to check on her, I found her drawing on her play table with crayons. I calmly told her to color only in her coloring books, not on the furniture. She seemed to understand, and I went to finish getting ready. When I checked back in with her about fifteen minutes later, she had colored even more on the table…and she used more colors this time! It made me so mad. I stood in disbelief that my kid would do the exact opposite of what I asked (this is hilarious in hindsight). Unfortunately, I felt the need to lecture her in a loud voice. I felt justified because of her disobedience and walked away proudly.

Quickly, the Holy Spirit confronted me. For me, it was a sin to raise my voice to my daughter (See James 4:17). I knew in my spirit that I needed to apologize to her, but my pride intruded. I silently asked the Holy Spirit, "You mean, I need to ask a four-year-old for forgiveness?" The inaudible but extremely clear response was a resounding "Yes." So, I turned around, walked back down the hallway, got on her level as she was cleaning up the mess, and asked her to forgive me for raising my voice. She looked at me with a nonchalant smile and said, "Sure, Daddy!" and went back to cleaning the table as if nothing had happened. This was certainly not the only time I've had to apologize and repent to my wife and kids.

I don't share that story to highlight any goodness in me but to invite you to the freedom that contrition and repentance can bring to your family. There are many reasons to pursue this heart posture as a parent, but I wanted to provide just a few of them in hopes of encouraging you:

1. God hates pride.
Pride is the root of all sin, dating back to the Garden of Eden, and pride is the number one reason you will stop yourself from humbling yourself to someone else. This is especially tough if your flesh tells you that the person doesn't deserve it because of how they have treated you. Some grudges are held for lifetimes, even when one apology might soften a heart. One of the repeated themes in the Bible is that God is against pride (Here are just a few examples: Proverbs 6:16-17; Proverbs 8:13; Proverbs 16:5; James 4:6; 1 Peter 5:5; Proverbs 16:18; Proverbs 11:2; Proverbs 29:23; Obadiah 1:3-4). I know that if I remain in a posture of pride, I am actively working against God's will. Pride is deceptive and easy to listen to, but God can free us from it!

2. Kids watch and emulate.
By God's design, kids end up living and behaving much like those who raised them. Now, by God's grace, our kids are not destined to repeat the mistakes we've made. However, it's clear that behavioral patterns are learned by observing those in authority. Frankly, kids need to know what it looks like to model humility. Kids need to know that we, as parents, are as much in need of the grace and mercy of Christ as they are. They need to know both how to ask for forgiveness, give forgiveness, and live in dependence on Christ. Parent, you are the best person to model this for them.

3. False humility is the norm.
In our culture today, false humility or flattery is far more common than genuine repentance (See 2 Cor. 7:10). People are always trying to get something out of others, and often an apology is simply self-seeking or disingenuous. If, by God's grace, you're able to ask for forgiveness from those who know you best, you'll then be given the opportunity to live in repentance that will prove that your sorrow was real. Though I make many mistakes regularly, I hope my daughters know they will never hear me yell at them or raise my voice inappropriately. This, by no means, is by my power, but God gave me the gift of repentance and has sustained me in it. Your family members know you best, and that often makes home discipleship difficult. On the other side of the coin, however, when those closest to you see a God-given change in you, it is undeniable.

4. Kids need a safe environment.
Certainly, we understand that physical safety is a big priority for most parents. Increasingly, emotional, spiritual, and mental safety are becoming priorities. I believe that a safe environment helps set the table for genuine discipleship. To put it another way, if a child does not feel safe, how will they be discipled? If your child has never seen you genuinely apologize for anything, how will they feel safe apologizing to you? Our kids need to know that they can come to us with anything and everything. Kids need to feel safe.

5. Forgiveness helps with constructive criticism.
It's hard for me to hear negative things about myself from others. However, God has surrounded me with men who have shown me the value of receiving constructive criticism from those who love and care for me. Though I doubt I'll ever enjoy criticism, I know the Lord is growing me in how I receive it. When it's received in humility, it leads to my growth. I believe there is a direct connection between a willingness to seek and give forgiveness and to give and receive constructive criticism. Our kids are going to have a tough time navigating life as adults if they have not received good teaching and modeling regarding loving correction. Your home culture can help with this!

Final Thoughts

Though much more could be said on this topic, I also want to protect you from the temptation to apologize every few minutes. It reminds me of the concept of oversharing. There are certainly things the Lord will lead you to ask forgiveness for. However, if you are hard on yourself and/or possibly a people pleaser by nature, you may find yourself saying, "I'm sorry" so much that it becomes meaningless. Trust the Lord and seek advice from a pastor or counselor if you are wondering whether to ask for forgiveness in a given situation.

I also want to protect you from feeling that your kids cannot be corrected for something they have done wrong. Did my daughter need to be corrected for coloring on the table? Absolutely. However, the way in which I approached her correction was sinful. Kids need consistency to thrive, and a part of that consistency needs to be grace-filled, humble discipline from the parents who love them unconditionally.

Maybe you're reading this as a children's ministry leader, and God is leading you to have this same disposition toward a staff member with whom you are at odds. Maybe there's a parent in your ministry that God is leading you to reconcile with. Maybe you've been waiting years for
someone to apologize to you for something they've done, and it's time to forgive them (See Matt. 18:21-35). Only the Lord knows why you're reading this today. However He is leading, I hope you follow!

Forgiveness and reconciliation provide freedom. Grudges and division lead to a prison for your heart. My prayer for you is that God, by His grace and kindness, gently leads you to this disposition more and more. I know that is what I need every day!

God bless you and all you do in the Kingdom of God!

Frank Trimble (D.Ed.Min., Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary) is the Executive Director of Family Time Training in Littleton, CO (famtime.com). His desire is to see home discipleship become the norm, rather than the exception, in the lives of believers all over the world. His primary ministry is to his wife, Kristin, andtheir two wonderful daughters, Ava and Olivia.