One of our critical roles as church leaders is to support and guide parents in raising their children in today’s challenging environment. Parenting is a difficult responsibility, and many parents recognize their need for help. They especially appreciate suggestions and tools that are both practical and biblical. A heart-based approach to parenting offers a transformative strategy that aligns with biblical teachings and addresses the root of behavioral issues.

Understanding the Heart-Based Approach

The heart-based approach to parenting goes deeper than merely controlling behavior. It seeks to address the beliefs, motivations, and values that drive a child's actions, helping them develop internal controls and a sense of integrity.

Jesus taught us that behavior comes from the heart (Matthew 15:19). If you want to know what’s in a child’s heart, look at the tendencies that child has in life. If a child tends to argue, complain, resist, or have a bad attitude, then looking into the heart will prove fruitful.

Contrasting the Reward/Punishment Model

Most parents today rely on reward and punishment as their primary means to bring about change in children. It starts when kids are young, and parents say, “Pick up your toys, and you can have a snack” or “Clean your room, and you can watch a video.” This approach basically says, “I’ll give you what you want if you do what I say.” It may work in the short run, but in the end, it appeals to the selfishness in a child. Children learn to ask the wrong questions in life, such as, “What’s in it for me?” “Are you going to pay me for that?” “What’s the minimum I need to do to get my reward?”

God uses a heart approach with us, and where does He start? He starts with relationship. It’s important to encourage parents to strengthen the relational bonds with their child. Relationship softens the heart, builds trust, and opens the door for heart-level discussions. Relationship is a vehicle through which convictions and values are passed. Eating meals together, having tech-free family time, or working on a project together can go a long way to build connectedness.

Another way to focus on the heart is to consider the character qualities a child needs, develop a goal, and communicate that goal to the child in a visionary way. For example, "Son, you’re doing well in several ways right now. Since you’re almost 6 (or 12 or 16), we’re going to do some extra work on building cooperation. This will help you in so many ways, both now and as you get older."

A character quality can be defined as a pattern of thinking and acting in response to a challenge. An organized person thinks and acts differently than an unorganized person. An honest person thinks and acts differently than a dishonest person. Defining for a child what a character quality looks like provides kids with the HOW, not just the WHAT. And it’s the HOW that brings about change and provides hope, a key ingredient that motivates the heart.

Beliefs exist in the heart, and children often believe strange things about life. One mom said, “I realize that my son believed that if his brother was annoying, he had the right to punch him. We had to do some work to help him change that belief.”

That’s why the Bible is so strategic for the heart. It regularly changes what we believe to be in sync with God’s heart. Proverbs 119:11 says, “I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.” ‘Encourage parents to read and discuss the Bible with their children. Every time a child here’s a Bible story or reads a passage of scripture, they need to ask the question, “What’s the lesson learned?” This helps children apply God’s Word in practical ways.

Encouraging Parents to Shift Perspectives
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Transitioning from a reward/punishment model to a heart-based approach requires a shift in perspective for many parents. For example, sometimes parents overuse correction as their way to change children. Training is far more powerful. It focuses on the goal and is more positive and hopeful. Children respond better to the training approach, and parents learn to balance their firmness with a coaching mentality.

A heart-based approach to parenting offers a profound and biblically aligned method for raising children who are motivated by internal values rather than external rewards. By addressing the heart, parents can nurture true character development, leading to lasting behavioral change. As church leaders, we can guide parents by equipping them with the tools and support they need to raise children who honor God and live with integrity.​

Dr. Scott Turansky is a professor at Concordia University where he teaches parenting to Masters Level students getting a Family Life Education Degree. He also heads up the National Center for Biblical Parenting where he has trained over 500 parent coaches. He’s co-authored 15 books on parenting and teaches globally about a heart-based approach to parenting. He and his wife Carrie have 5 children and 12 grandchildren and live in New Jersey. He has been a pastor for over 40 years and enjoys taking Biblical teaching and applying it to the family. You can learn more at biblicalparenting.org.