As parents, we've all heard the familiar cry: "That's not fair!" Whether it's about bedtime routines, dessert portions, or turns with a favorite toy, children often perceive fairness as strict equality. However, this common misunderstanding can lead to unnecessary conflicts and feelings of resentment among siblings. It's essential to guide our children toward a deeper, more biblical understanding of fairness—one that emphasizes individual needs and circumstances over mere equality.

The Misconception of Fairness as Equality

It’s best to abandon the misconstrued idea that fairness means equality. Each child is unique, with distinct needs, strengths, and challenges. As parents, our goal should be to address these individual differences rather than strive for uniformity in our parenting approach.

When a child says, “That’s not fair,” a parent might respond by saying, “I’m not sure what you’re talking about, but in this family, we don’t try to treat everyone the same.” It’s important to shut down the misbelief that drives children to competition and comparison.

Biblical Insights on Individual Treatment

The Bible offers wisdom on this topic, illustrating that God's dealings with individuals are tailored to their specific purposes and needs. In the Parable of the Talents (Matthew 25:14-30), a master entrusts his servants with different amounts of money, each according to their ability. This parable highlights that fairness isn't about equal distribution but about giving according to one's capacity and potential.

Similarly, in John 21:21-22, Peter asks Jesus about the future of another disciple. Jesus responds, "What is that to you? You must follow me." This exchange underscores the importance of focusing on our own path and responsibilities rather than comparing ourselves to others.

Practical Strategies for Parents

To help children grasp the true essence of fairness, consider implementing the following strategies:

1. Emphasize Individual Needs: Explain to your children that fairness involves meeting each person's unique needs. For instance, an older child might have a later bedtime due to different sleep requirements, while a younger sibling needs more rest. By highlighting these differences, children can begin to understand that equal treatment isn't always appropriate.

2. Celebrate Individual Strengths and Achievements: Make a conscious effort to recognize and celebrate each child's accomplishments and talents without comparison. This approach fosters a sense of self-worth and reduces the urge to measure oneself against others.

3. Avoid Unnecessary Comparisons: Refrain from making statements that directly compare one child to another, such as, "Why can't you be more like your sister?" Such comparisons can exacerbate feelings of unfairness and competition.

4. Provide Personalized Privileges and Responsibilities: Assign chores and responsibilities based on each child's age, maturity, and abilities. Clearly communicate that these assignments are tailored to help them grow and develop, not to favor one child over another.

5. Use Teachable Moments: When the inevitable "That's not fair!" arises, seize the opportunity to discuss the situation. Ask questions like, "What do you think fairness means in this context?" or "How can we address everyone's needs in this situation?" Engaging children in these conversations encourages critical thinking and empathy.

6. Model Fair Behavior: Demonstrate fairness in your interactions with others. Children learn a great deal from observing their parents. Show them how you consider individual circumstances when making decisions, and they'll be more likely to adopt a similar approach.

7. Set Clear Family Values: Establish and communicate the values that guide your family's decisions. When children understand the principles behind your choices, they're more likely to accept them, even if they don't always agree.

Addressing the "Everyone Else Is Doing It" Argument

Another common challenge parents face is the argument that "everyone else is allowed to do it." This statement is often used to pressure parents into granting permissions that may not align with the family's values or the child's best interests.

In such situations, it's important to:

• Reinforce Family Values: Remind your child that your family's decisions are based on your unique values and beliefs, which may differ from others.

• Encourage Individual Decision-Making: Teach your child to make choices based on what’s right for them rather than following the crowd. This lesson fosters independence and moral courage.

• Acknowledge Peer Influences: Recognize that the desire to fit in is natural. Offer empathy and support while guiding them to make decisions that align with their values.

Understanding and teaching the true meaning of fairness is a nuanced but vital aspect of parenting. By focusing on individual needs and fostering open communication, we can help our children move beyond simplistic notions of equality toward a more mature and compassionate understanding of fairness.

For more insights and practical strategies on heart-based parenting, consider exploring the First Steps in Biblical Parenting resource available at biblicalparenting.org/starthere.

Dr. Scott Turansky is a professor at Concordia University where he teaches parenting to Masters Level students getting a Family Life Education Degree. He also heads up the National Center for Biblical Parenting where he has trained over 500 parent coaches. He’s co-authored 15 books on parenting and teaches globally about a heart-based approach to parenting. He and his wife Carrie have 5 children and 12 grandchildren and live in New Jersey. He has been a pastor for over 40 years and enjoys taking Biblical teaching and applying it to the family. You can learn more at biblicalparenting.org.